Who I Am

I made a statement earlier today that someone called me on. I stated that I wanted to transcend who I had been in relationships, or something like that. The questions that came back to me were: Who were you? What are you trying to transcend? Who do you want to be?

I think these questions are worthy of a thoughtful reply and I’m glad to be pulling these thoughts and ideas together. Let’s see what turns up!

I’ll start with my DNA. It’s my understanding that the trauma, gifts, and life experiences of my ancestors are encoded in my DNA. I started with that.

I’ve been regressed to being in my mother’s womb to re-experience my birth. There was trauma there. Confusion. A sense of not wanting to be here. A feeling of not being fully supported.

I spent some time as my four-year-old self – Little Rog. I saw that I had invented a way to be in the world that helped me cope with the lack of nurturing I was experiencing. Basically, I looked ahead, analyzed each situation to see what judgments might be made of me, and what consequences might ensue. Then I modified myself and my approach to each situation to try to steer clear of trouble and to mitigate the trouble I imagined might happen. My primary methods I call “fixing” and “pleasing.”

I’ve run this pattern every day, all day, most of my life. Then, when the situation plays, the results are ok sometimes – often they are not. In those cases, I’m angry – angry with myself because I didn’t see what was coming, that I missed the mark, that I made a mistake – angry with others who judged me and handed out consequences – angry with God for dumping this situation on me. I developed methods to cope with this anger.

As I interacted with the world, I was conditioned by the society around me to think and believe in certain ways – to behave in certain ways – to feel in certain ways. I grew to see this conditioning as dysfunctional. I’m a sort of hippie who learned to challenge my beliefs – to throw those out that didn’t work – and try something different. Many, many, many times.

After I was married, I tried really hard to figure out how to be a great husband, a great dad, a great worker, a great leader, a great member of my community. I put forth identities – versions of myself – to show up in each situation in ways I thought would be successful. Over time, I noticed that, although I was often successful, I was giving myself away. I hadn’t really figured out what the world expected of me on a consistent basis. I had lost my true identity – whatever that was.

I started over. I tried to reinvent myself as myself. Or rather, the self I wanted to be. Over time, even though this worked much better, I gave my self away again – became someone I was not – just another set of identities – a shell that both protected me from harm coming from outside and stopped the real me from getting out.

I started over again. This time, I turned my life over to my growing understanding of God – Spirit – Source – by whatever name. I worked to drop my identities. To strip myself of everything that is not truly me. This is painful work. The target is to remember who I was before I took on the DNA – the one who was never born and never dies. The purpose is to live my life from this remembered space.

I realized that I have never wanted to be here on the planet in a body. I have rarely felt loved, nurtured, or supported. I understood that there are many deeper patterns that essentially run my life and I am seeing more as I get deeper into this.

And then, there was a big shift. I felt a full-on connection with all that is. I felt loved. I felt nurtured. I understood that I had never really been alone after all. My faith is now the rock on which I stand.

And from this rock, everything looks different now. I’m excited about being here. I’m ready to play. I’ve experienced love and joy and peace, and I’m determined to live my life from this place – and to share it with those I encounter.

I call this transcendence – living beyond my DNA, my conditioning, my identities, my patterns – in a space of love, joy, and peace.

Who do I want to be? Just who I am.