Tears

If I was writing a summary of 2014, I would say it was a year of tears.

Up until this year, I didn’t cry much. A little moisture around the eyes in the dark at some movies mostly. This year, that changed.

I have cried from despair, loss, frustration, more loss – and joy, a deep feeling of connection. I have cried when I felt divine love flowing through me and could not contain it.

It’s all good, these tears. Cleansing. Opening. I’m ok with it.

I grew up thinking that guys don’t cry. Heck, my mother didn’t even cry. She would get frustrated with herself when she couldn’t hide her emotions.

2014 was a hard year. I don’t know if the tears helped me cope or heal. I do know that there was absolutely no holding them back.

Who I Am

I made a statement earlier today that someone called me on. I stated that I wanted to transcend who I had been in relationships, or something like that. The questions that came back to me were: Who were you? What are you trying to transcend? Who do you want to be?

I think these questions are worthy of a thoughtful reply and I’m glad to be pulling these thoughts and ideas together. Let’s see what turns up!

I’ll start with my DNA. It’s my understanding that the trauma, gifts, and life experiences of my ancestors are encoded in my DNA. I started with that.

I’ve been regressed to being in my mother’s womb to re-experience my birth. There was trauma there. Confusion. A sense of not wanting to be here. A feeling of not being fully supported.

I spent some time as my four-year-old self – Little Rog. I saw that I had invented a way to be in the world that helped me cope with the lack of nurturing I was experiencing. Basically, I looked ahead, analyzed each situation to see what judgments might be made of me, and what consequences might ensue. Then I modified myself and my approach to each situation to try to steer clear of trouble and to mitigate the trouble I imagined might happen. My primary methods I call “fixing” and “pleasing.”

I’ve run this pattern every day, all day, most of my life. Then, when the situation plays, the results are ok sometimes – often they are not. In those cases, I’m angry – angry with myself because I didn’t see what was coming, that I missed the mark, that I made a mistake – angry with others who judged me and handed out consequences – angry with God for dumping this situation on me. I developed methods to cope with this anger.

As I interacted with the world, I was conditioned by the society around me to think and believe in certain ways – to behave in certain ways – to feel in certain ways. I grew to see this conditioning as dysfunctional. I’m a sort of hippie who learned to challenge my beliefs – to throw those out that didn’t work – and try something different. Many, many, many times.

After I was married, I tried really hard to figure out how to be a great husband, a great dad, a great worker, a great leader, a great member of my community. I put forth identities – versions of myself – to show up in each situation in ways I thought would be successful. Over time, I noticed that, although I was often successful, I was giving myself away. I hadn’t really figured out what the world expected of me on a consistent basis. I had lost my true identity – whatever that was.

I started over. I tried to reinvent myself as myself. Or rather, the self I wanted to be. Over time, even though this worked much better, I gave my self away again – became someone I was not – just another set of identities – a shell that both protected me from harm coming from outside and stopped the real me from getting out.

I started over again. This time, I turned my life over to my growing understanding of God – Spirit – Source – by whatever name. I worked to drop my identities. To strip myself of everything that is not truly me. This is painful work. The target is to remember who I was before I took on the DNA – the one who was never born and never dies. The purpose is to live my life from this remembered space.

I realized that I have never wanted to be here on the planet in a body. I have rarely felt loved, nurtured, or supported. I understood that there are many deeper patterns that essentially run my life and I am seeing more as I get deeper into this.

And then, there was a big shift. I felt a full-on connection with all that is. I felt loved. I felt nurtured. I understood that I had never really been alone after all. My faith is now the rock on which I stand.

And from this rock, everything looks different now. I’m excited about being here. I’m ready to play. I’ve experienced love and joy and peace, and I’m determined to live my life from this place – and to share it with those I encounter.

I call this transcendence – living beyond my DNA, my conditioning, my identities, my patterns – in a space of love, joy, and peace.

Who do I want to be? Just who I am.

Freeze Frame

Body: luxurious hot shower
Mind: rainy winter day
Spirit: smiles of gratitude

Nurturing and intimacy

This morning, I’m watching a video presentation by Gregg Braden around the Seven Essene Mirrors. It’s a way of seeing relationships that casts new light for me.

One of the mirrors presented by those around us shows us things we have given away, lost, or have been take from us by people with power over us. This mirror says that we are strangely drawn – magnetically drawn – to people who represent those things for us. We want those things back. This attraction is often difficult to see or pinpoint – unless we ask the right question.

In looking back at two relationships that were sparked by a tremendous attraction, I realized that one woman demonstrated a kind of nurturing that had been withheld from me all my life. She did it on our first date – in the first half hour. I found myself cuddled in her arms crying as she held me and healed me. I felt like a baby. Now I realize I never felt this as a baby. What a blessing my partnre was. How attractive!

In the other relationship I examined, it was clear that my partner demonstrated a kind of sexual intimacy I had given away all my life. From whatever dysfunctional thoughts and feelings, I had blocked the expression of my intimacy. She opened me up. Touch with her was fun, it was imaginative, it was healing, it was playful, it was giving. What a blessing she was. How attractive!

In both cases, that special thing which they demonstrated went away – seemed lost again. How painful!

But, now that I see it, I know that nurturing and feeling nurtured is a part of who I am, and so is sexual intimacy. I’m not letting these parts go again.

Presence

It’s not new for me to be “looking” for a life partner. It just feels different this time.

There’s a presence in the air that feels like my beloved. It’s mixed into a field of joy and anticipation. I feel it surrounding me. It feels like love.

The message I get about this is that we are connecting already in the field. We have been connected for a long non-time. We are drawing closer now as the hour of our first hug in form draws near.

There’s not much more to say about it. I am very glad to feel this presence of spirit before the forms kick in. This is how I imagine our relationship will be – spirit first – then form. A dance between the two in which we always – or as always as we can – remember what’s real.

I don’t know when or how or with whom this presence will manifest. I just feel a delicious presence.