Freeze Frame

Body: luxurious hot shower
Mind: rainy winter day
Spirit: smiles of gratitude

Nurturing and intimacy

This morning, I’m watching a video presentation by Gregg Braden around the Seven Essene Mirrors. It’s a way of seeing relationships that casts new light for me.

One of the mirrors presented by those around us shows us things we have given away, lost, or have been take from us by people with power over us. This mirror says that we are strangely drawn – magnetically drawn – to people who represent those things for us. We want those things back. This attraction is often difficult to see or pinpoint – unless we ask the right question.

In looking back at two relationships that were sparked by a tremendous attraction, I realized that one woman demonstrated a kind of nurturing that had been withheld from me all my life. She did it on our first date – in the first half hour. I found myself cuddled in her arms crying as she held me and healed me. I felt like a baby. Now I realize I never felt this as a baby. What a blessing my partnre was. How attractive!

In the other relationship I examined, it was clear that my partner demonstrated a kind of sexual intimacy I had given away all my life. From whatever dysfunctional thoughts and feelings, I had blocked the expression of my intimacy. She opened me up. Touch with her was fun, it was imaginative, it was healing, it was playful, it was giving. What a blessing she was. How attractive!

In both cases, that special thing which they demonstrated went away – seemed lost again. How painful!

But, now that I see it, I know that nurturing and feeling nurtured is a part of who I am, and so is sexual intimacy. I’m not letting these parts go again.

Presence

It’s not new for me to be “looking” for a life partner. It just feels different this time.

There’s a presence in the air that feels like my beloved. It’s mixed into a field of joy and anticipation. I feel it surrounding me. It feels like love.

The message I get about this is that we are connecting already in the field. We have been connected for a long non-time. We are drawing closer now as the hour of our first hug in form draws near.

There’s not much more to say about it. I am very glad to feel this presence of spirit before the forms kick in. This is how I imagine our relationship will be – spirit first – then form. A dance between the two in which we always – or as always as we can – remember what’s real.

I don’t know when or how or with whom this presence will manifest. I just feel a delicious presence.

Gittin ketcht up

Six months ago, I posted. I am a different man today. Here’s why:

During this time, stuff happened. Both in the world and of the world. I got caught in it, swept up by it, buffeted around, chewed up, spit out – more than once. I also felt myself step outside the world over and over – more and more. I’m learning to go back and forth. The loosening, releasing, and learning has been off the charts for me, including…

My mother died. She fought hard not to die like my dad – in ICU – or like her sister – in the ER. Like both, she was killed by modern medicine. She died alone, in a bed, in a facility. The thing  she most wanted from her death was to bring her family together. It tore her family further apart. My role was to be her advocate. It was hard. I failed.

Another relationship came and went. Came with a bang – went with a bang. An amazing connection ended in a sea of triggering.

I moved. From Arizona to New Mexico, twice in New Mexico, and now to California. Each time, my possessions lightened. The last move everything fit in my pickup truck. Now I see there’s still way too much stuff.

I received the gift of my healing practice. Loads of new knowledge for sure, but something greater – a feeling that I am ready now to do this work – and an invitation to take up the work daily.

I connected with Jesus. I’ve always felt a connection – a reverence. Now it feels like a brotherhood – a oneness.

I got a job. Serving elderly – helping them remain independent. Just starting in a few days. We’ll see how it plays.

I reunited with my oldest daughter. She hung with me through my mother’s ordeal – or we hung with each other. Later, I ended up living with her family for a month while I found a place to live in San Diego. We’ve always had this connection – it’s just wonderful to live with it daily – and wonderful to be with her husband, their pooch, and their baby.

Through all this, I feel greatly blessed – greatly guided – greatly protected. Greatly loved.

Best of the Best

In my work, I’m clear that the best of the best is connecting with Spirit – and sharing that connection with others. In that, there’s my own spiritual practice, healing, and teaching – the actions that are the best of the best. This connection shows up for me in Nature, music, and writing – the best of the best.

And I get that working with kids is also the best of the best for me. It’s fun working with anyone who is engaged – more fun working with kids who are engaged.

I get that, when I’m coming from the field, any of this is God’s work. So, it’s all good.

I also get that there are clues to the specific focus of this work which remain missing for me now. And I do think coming together with the love of my life is the final piece necessary for this work to make itself known.

I accept this new work and welcome it into my life now.