Good bye again

Another person I loved has said good bye. Suddenly. Without communicating. Just a story so silly it isn’t worth repeating.

This is easy for you, she said. You’re a love ball. You put yourself out there over and over.

Holding my peace when my heart is breaking is hard work. I’m glad I’m getting better at it. But it’s painful work. And I’m tired of it.

I’ve given up on the loving relationship I’ve always dreamed of. I find mostly ego in relationships – up and and down – and then over. These attempts at love do seem to enrich my life. But I’m not going for that any more.

I choose peace. That’s all.

Recovery

When I lose my peace, the first thing I must do is notice it’s missing. I’m getting better at that. As the Course in Miracles says, when you begin to experience true peace, you get more sensitive to its coming and going.

The next step is to stop what I’m doing – to take a breath and open a space for peace to return. I’m also getting better at that. I see that nothing good comes for me – or those around me – unless I’m coming from peace. It makes absolutely no sense any more to “do one more thing” before taking that time out.

And then, there’s the recovery – restoring peace in that space I’ve opened for it. I need to get better at recovery. I got lost in this step today. For me, there’s just about nothing that feels worse than knowing I’ve lost my peace and cannot find it.

Even though I know it’s right here! Right now!

I’m pretty quick to jump to the next steps, which are finding the message in the upset and doing the healing called forth by this message. But, it doesn’t work if I can’t get back to peace first.

I have a host of methods I use to understand the message and do the healing. But, I’m seeing I don’t have a good process for doing the recovery. Here’s what I came up with today:

Remember my connection to all life. Feel that. Express love into that. Call for blessings for all life. And express my gratitude for all my spirit brothers and sisters – both for being here now, in the game of life together – and for their presence in my life.

Remember that I am loved, blessed, guided, and protected. Know it.

Remember that every situation arises for my awakening. That I’m ok.

Today, that was enough. I know I feel much better after this. My daughter just used her word to described it: chillax – chill plus relax. I feel my body loosening and settling down. I feel the peace slipping back into place. I feel lighter – as though possibilities are opening ahead where before, I saw none.

Now I can go find the messages. Then I can heal the real trouble.

I don’t like being separated from my peace, because in those moments I feel separate from everything and everyone. I feel locked out of life – totally stuck. Yuck!

When I recover my peace, I feel ready to move forward – to allow myself to be in flow – to resume my place as the seer of the world instead of the victim of the world.

I hope this works for you too!

Rules

Over the past few days, the idea of “overwhelm” has been very much upon me. Like a gnarly beast. I see it in specific areas of my life experience – and hanging over the whole life experience.

I’ve been led to see overwhelm as an ego story – one that has kept me stuck for a very long time. It’s easy enough to see that it’s not true. I know that Spirit is guiding and protecting me, so I get just what I need and no more. I can do only what I can do – no more. When I’m in the moment and in flow, overwhelm is never an issue.

Overwhelm looks like an issue of confusion, so it’s no surprise to find it’s really a function of fear. I would describe that fear as the fear of being caught – of being found out – the fear of not being good enough. “Not good enough” is one of those notions  lurking in the pit for most of us.

I did some work around this fear and felt better. But overwhelm did not entirely go away. So, early this morning – like in the middle of the night – I find myself up trying again to get straight about overwhelm. I couldn’t sleep. That’s one thing overwhelm does to us.

In the past, I’ve felt much better – much relieved of this feeling of overwhelm – when I get enough guidance to feel like I’m at least loosely on some sort of track that I can understand. I don’t need to know the details, just get my bearings and a sense of direction. Lying in bed, I saw that this cannot be the answer to overwhelm. Feels good – yes. Resolve overwhelm – no.

Before that, I made lists. Lots of lists. Get all the ideas and to-do’s out on paper. Then prioritize and move into action. Doesn’t work for long! lol

In my meditation chair, what came quickly was the idea of “rules.” If I don’t follow the rules, and I get caught, I will be punished. This is to be avoided. My entire life has been about avoiding punishment. I have used many, many tricks to avoid being punished. Through it all, I find myself breaking rules.

I find I have been punished by my parents, my teachers, my partners, my friends, my bosses, my clients – that’s a long enough list for now! lol

Let me throw in one more: I find myself punishing myself.

I have been deeply involved in changing the rules – have worked hard to understand the rules. I have spent countless moments calculating how far I could push the rules without being caught – or if I was caught, how to avoid  being punished. I have – well, it goes on and on. Fixing and please are right in the middle of this. So is hiding out and my tendency to try to unearth every possible scenario and then manipulate the action to protect myself.

By the way, I have my own set of rules too. These include honoring my spiritual beliefs, my morals and ethics, my self. Unfortunately, my rules rarely match the rules I perceive in the world! lol

What I saw just now was that rules are not different than expectations. Rules always lead to judgment – were the rules followed or not – and what consequences shall there be. These judgments always lead to stories – I’m not good enough is one – overwhelm is another. These false stories always lead to actions – fixing and pleasing and hiding out – as well as a lot of what I’ll call negative energy unleashed into the world.

What is true for me is that I don’t control the world – can’t make it behave – can’t make its rules align with mine – can’t make it clarify and align it’s own rules – can’t predict what will happen. I don’t take responsibility for that which is so clearly outside my control – or even my influence. I don’t own the stories that come from this insanity – except my own. I don’t take on all the negative energy around rules and rule judgments.

What I do own are my own rules. Starting now, I say there are no rules. I’m putting my foot down on rules – I’ve had enough. I don’t need or want rules at all. I realize this has always been true about me. I have rebelled against authority, and turned to spirituality for a better set of rules to trump those of the world. Church didn’t work for me because of the rules. Now I see that there’s no point substituting a “higher” set of rules for a more earthly one.

I know that who I am is love – that’s enough. I know that who I am is a perfect child of God – that’s good enough. I know that I am guided and protected – that will do. I know that the situations that arise for me are there for my awakening – not about frightening me. I know that when I am present to now – in the flow of life – everything runs much smoother than fear-driven rules could ever allow.

I’m content to come from this knowing and place of peace. Because I know that, in this space, there is not fear. I am not touched by rules or expectations, judgments or stories, or negative energy. In this place, all is as it as. I’m fine with that.

Tears

If I was writing a summary of 2014, I would say it was a year of tears.

Up until this year, I didn’t cry much. A little moisture around the eyes in the dark at some movies mostly. This year, that changed.

I have cried from despair, loss, frustration, more loss – and joy, a deep feeling of connection. I have cried when I felt divine love flowing through me and could not contain it.

It’s all good, these tears. Cleansing. Opening. I’m ok with it.

I grew up thinking that guys don’t cry. Heck, my mother didn’t even cry. She would get frustrated with herself when she couldn’t hide her emotions.

2014 was a hard year. I don’t know if the tears helped me cope or heal. I do know that there was absolutely no holding them back.

Who I Am

I made a statement earlier today that someone called me on. I stated that I wanted to transcend who I had been in relationships, or something like that. The questions that came back to me were: Who were you? What are you trying to transcend? Who do you want to be?

I think these questions are worthy of a thoughtful reply and I’m glad to be pulling these thoughts and ideas together. Let’s see what turns up!

I’ll start with my DNA. It’s my understanding that the trauma, gifts, and life experiences of my ancestors are encoded in my DNA. I started with that.

I’ve been regressed to being in my mother’s womb to re-experience my birth. There was trauma there. Confusion. A sense of not wanting to be here. A feeling of not being fully supported.

I spent some time as my four-year-old self – Little Rog. I saw that I had invented a way to be in the world that helped me cope with the lack of nurturing I was experiencing. Basically, I looked ahead, analyzed each situation to see what judgments might be made of me, and what consequences might ensue. Then I modified myself and my approach to each situation to try to steer clear of trouble and to mitigate the trouble I imagined might happen. My primary methods I call “fixing” and “pleasing.”

I’ve run this pattern every day, all day, most of my life. Then, when the situation plays, the results are ok sometimes – often they are not. In those cases, I’m angry – angry with myself because I didn’t see what was coming, that I missed the mark, that I made a mistake – angry with others who judged me and handed out consequences – angry with God for dumping this situation on me. I developed methods to cope with this anger.

As I interacted with the world, I was conditioned by the society around me to think and believe in certain ways – to behave in certain ways – to feel in certain ways. I grew to see this conditioning as dysfunctional. I’m a sort of hippie who learned to challenge my beliefs – to throw those out that didn’t work – and try something different. Many, many, many times.

After I was married, I tried really hard to figure out how to be a great husband, a great dad, a great worker, a great leader, a great member of my community. I put forth identities – versions of myself – to show up in each situation in ways I thought would be successful. Over time, I noticed that, although I was often successful, I was giving myself away. I hadn’t really figured out what the world expected of me on a consistent basis. I had lost my true identity – whatever that was.

I started over. I tried to reinvent myself as myself. Or rather, the self I wanted to be. Over time, even though this worked much better, I gave my self away again – became someone I was not – just another set of identities – a shell that both protected me from harm coming from outside and stopped the real me from getting out.

I started over again. This time, I turned my life over to my growing understanding of God – Spirit – Source – by whatever name. I worked to drop my identities. To strip myself of everything that is not truly me. This is painful work. The target is to remember who I was before I took on the DNA – the one who was never born and never dies. The purpose is to live my life from this remembered space.

I realized that I have never wanted to be here on the planet in a body. I have rarely felt loved, nurtured, or supported. I understood that there are many deeper patterns that essentially run my life and I am seeing more as I get deeper into this.

And then, there was a big shift. I felt a full-on connection with all that is. I felt loved. I felt nurtured. I understood that I had never really been alone after all. My faith is now the rock on which I stand.

And from this rock, everything looks different now. I’m excited about being here. I’m ready to play. I’ve experienced love and joy and peace, and I’m determined to live my life from this place – and to share it with those I encounter.

I call this transcendence – living beyond my DNA, my conditioning, my identities, my patterns – in a space of love, joy, and peace.

Who do I want to be? Just who I am.